First, a message for Colorado Public Radio: I hate you. To be clear, I understand and respect your need to have a pledge drive. Times are tough, and we all need funds. However. You may want to consider that some of your listeners depend on you to dispense timely and useful information whether or not you are having a pledge drive.
For example, every morning at 7 a.m., I get the weather report on Colorado Public Radio. This morning, instead of the weather, you chose to air “How to End Our Pledge Drive,” which was
a) Not a very clever ruse to ask people to give you money, especially since you’d already been asking for money directly all day, and
b) Not at all helpful for giving me information about my upcoming walk to the gym.
As a direct result of this choice by CPR, I froze my ass off on the way to the gym, from the gym to the office and from the office to get lunch and back. I am not looking forward to my walk home tonight, See, I am sort of poor and I don’t have money to spend on the Internet or cable (or a TV, for that matter) for my apartment.
Which brings me to my next point: Colorado Public Radio, I also need money. Right now, I have not very much of it left until my next paycheck. But you know what? I don’t stop doing my job to call my boss and tell him about my financial situation. I understand that people are still depending on me, whether or not I need money at the moment.
I don’t resent your pledge drive. I get the point of Public Radio. I’m just saying maybe you could interrupt something less important – like Car Talk, or that Garrison Keillor thing on the weekend.
And just say the weather in the morning. It’s February. In Colorado. It’s actually a relevant thing to report.
Second, a message for my gym: I love you, gym. I love that you are not crowded or pretentious or intimidating like other gyms I have known. I love that you are cheap and located between my apartment and my office. I have been to the gym every day this week. This is unheard of in my life. It makes me feel superior to everyone around me. Well, even more superior than I already do every day.
Finally, a message for cigarettes: I am so, so sorry. I don’t know how this happened. One minute I was bragging to everyone about how great you were and how we’d always be together. Suddenly, I think you’re kind if gross. Honestly, I think the gym might be to blame. But don’t worry. Eventually the gym and I will grow tired of each other and I will come back to you.